Missing the Mountains

Part of my soul lives in the Rocky mountains.  It has been far too long since I've visited it.  I am feeling a little disconnected and my heart and soul long to be reunited with its missing piece.

I love the mountains.  I love the crisp mountain air that seems to cleanse your lungs as you breathe it in.  I love the smell of earthy-rocks, pine trees, and wild flower meadows.   I love how small I feel in the midst of such greatness and beauty.  I love how physically close God feels to me when I'm perched on a boulder, feet dangling, taking in the surrounding beauty.

I am born and raised in the plains of Kansas, but for whatever reason the mountains have always felt like HOME to me, and I am getting home-sick.

 

 

 

These Pictures are from Geoff's and my 10th anniversary trip in 2010

Love beyond the heart's desire

Originally posted 8/26/2011

I had a rough childhood. I lived in a small dark house. Black-out shades prevented the sunshine’s warmth to enter and lighten the dark brown paneling. My mother was extremely depressed and sometimes suicidal, my brother was scary and violent and addicted to meth. My dad, although not in the home, verbally abused me and did not want me.
As a young girl, I had tremendous weight on my shoulders, and pain in my heart, I also had an unwillingness to accept that this life I was living would define me. I was a good kid. I was teacher’s pet all through school, I earned the best grades. And at the age of 14, God reached out to me, and let me know that HE absolutely loved me, that I was beautiful, and that despite my circumstances I could rest assured that He was taking care of me.
My teen years were easier for me as I clung to God and his love for me, but my situation at home was still dark. My brother was dealing drugs from his basement bedroom, and random sketchy men would enter and exit my house through all hours of the night. My mom was often working and not home, and although she must have been just and unhappy with the circumstances as I was she chose to ignore it and hope it would get better on its own. One day, when I was about 15, absolute chaos erupted, and I witnessed my brother in an violent meth-hazed rage throw my mom down all thirteen steep, wooden stairs that lead to our concrete basement floor. Terrified. I ran to the safest place in the house, the downstairs bathroom, it had a strong door and a good lock. I locked myself in, and pushed the large towel armoire against the door for extra security. As I hid in that room, I could hear my mom screaming in pain for help. I felt ashamed that I was too scared to run to her rescue, as I sit hugging my knees in the corner of the bathroom, waiting for my brother to leave.
As I write this, I do not want your pity. In the past, I have minimized the dark parts of where I came from, I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the people involved because I love them, and I didn’t want to play the part of a victim. And although in some aspects, I was absolutely victimized I was not a victim, I was a survivor. God made me to be a survivor, and God made me to have a hope for a future, because He had a plan for my future.
When I first started loving God, one bible verse, one PROMISE, I always found comfort in was Psalm 37:3-5 :
³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
The desires of my heart were to be loved, to feel safe, to be a part of a functioning, loving, family, to have a home filled with light. Today I absolutely have those things. I have a husband that cherishes me, and two amazing, beautiful children who, although they fight like cats and dogs sometimes, love eachother and a house that is mine with the sun shining through its windows. God absolutely gave me the desires of my heart, I always trusted that He would.
If you are going through a dark time in your life, know that GOD LOVES YOU! Rest in His love and His promises, “Take delight in Him and he will give you the desires of your heart.” You can make it to the other side!

Fashion for the Soul

Originally written 8/23/2011

Two of my favorite things: 1-Fashionable Clothes, and 2—Reality TV shows. The show “Project Runway” brings these two loves of mine together for 60 minutes of pure entertainment… I love it. If you have never seen the show; it is a reality show documenting a competition amongst future-fashion-designer hopefuls. Every week they have a new challenging assignment to create something “Chic” with little time and little budget, and sometimes little supplies. At the end each episode the creations are modeled down a runway in a fashion show of sorts and are judged by famous fashionable celebrity judges… and the worst outfit’s designer goes home.
Last night the challenge was to design a look for Nina Garcia, the fashion editor of Marie Claire magazine and Project Runway’s “Simon Cowell” of judges, to wear to an upcoming photo shoot. The guest judge was Marie Claire’s editor and chief (and Nina’s boss,) Joanna Coles. After watching the fashions sashay down the runway the judges got together to discuss their favorites and their most hated. Joanna Coles’ remarks were the best; she said,“Clothes are emotional. When you put them on, they make you feel something and they make other people feel something when they see you in them.” About the look she disliked she said, “Are you depressed?” and when she discussed her favorite outfit she said, “That shirt would make you feel like a million bucks, you would have a wonderful day when you wore that top and exciting things would happen to you!”
I giggled a little when I thought about the idea of having a magical type of day just by choosing to wear a beautiful, flattering, fabulous blouse. But as I thought a bit more about it I thought, it was kind of true– good clothes make you feel good, when you feel good, you have a good day.
So, if the way we are clothing our bodies can effect how we feel, how much more important then is the way we are clothing our spirits? In Ephesians 6, the Bible tells us to “Put on the full armor of God.”
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against [e]flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14 Stand firm therefore, HAVING GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING PUT ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, 15 and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE; 16[f]in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 And take THE HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Could you imagine how amazing your day could be if you woke in the morning and clothed your spirit with characteristics like truth, righteousness, and peace? You would definitely be living the “fabulous” life! Looking good, and feeling good go hand in hand, so treat yourself well, body and spirit.

It's Like Riding a Bike

Originally written 5/23/2011

I was getting a sandwich and a glass of water for myself, while my husband and kids were playing outside, it was 7pm and I was going to enjoy a quiet house and some mommy-veg time. As I went to turn on the tv, I glanced out the window at my family and see my almost-8-year-old daughter zooming down the cul-de-sac on her training wheel free bike with the biggest smile stretched across her face. It was her first time riding on two wheels!
Sandwich in hand, I ran out my front door, yelling, “Go Shaylee!!! Go Shaylee!” My husband and I have been trying to teach her how to ride for the past 2 years. Shaylee would freak her self out before she would even pedal for a whole rotation and exclaim she “couldn’t do it” and would give up. But now.. She had finally learned how to ride!!! I asked Geoff, ” What did you teach her to finally make her get it?” He said, “Nothing, its like she finally decided that she wanted to do it, and she just got on it, wobbled a little and then took off!” We were so proud of her.
After Shaylee called all her grandmas to tell them her big accomplishment, and the kids were at last in bed, Geoff and I were still talking about Shaylee’s triumph. I said, “Its amazing to me, that she just decided she wanted to do it, and then did it! I get so frustrated with her sometimes, because I KNOW she could do so many things that she thinks she can’t do if she just did it. She is so more able than she knows.” The second those words came out of my mouth, I heard God whisper to my soul, ” THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU!” Wow! And surprise, surprise, He is right.
My daughter has been afraid of falling off her bike, and that fear prevented her from even trying. I never realized it, but I do the same thing in so many different ways in my own life. I get ideas of things I could do, make, or write and then I over rationalize them in my head, and always lead myself to the conclusion, that it would be a waste of time to even start or try. How frustrated God must be when He knows that He made me special, and gave me talents and gifts that I don’t use because of my own fears of failure and rejection. Just like Shaylee, I tell myself, “I can’t” before I even pedal a complete rotation. He’s frustrated not because I am failing Him, but because I am not experiencing the freedom and exhilaration of zooming down the street on two wheels that He wants me to enjoy so badly.. (the same feelings I had with my own daughter!)
I truly believe that God doesn’t give us gifts for His pleasure but for ours. When we give our own child gifts.. aren’t we giving the gift to make him or her happy? When we don’t use the gifts God gives us, we are missing out on the joy God wants for our lives. I don’t know about you, but I certainly want to tap into all the joy God has to give me. I don’t want my fears and over rationalizations to hold me back anymore. I am ready to start taking off my training wheels, are you?

Pray Continually?

Originally written 1/11/2011

1Thessolonians 5:17--" pray continually"
This Bible verse has made me feel like an inferior spiritual loser for many years. It is the hard core drill sergeant spitting in my face telling me that I will never be good enough for God's army. As a teen and young adult I would hear sermon after sermon and read book after book about prayer and this "Pray Continually" guy would always show up to bully me. Any person teaching on the subject would never fail to introduce me to the Bully's side kicks also.. the Webster's definition of the word, continually--
1.very often; at regular or frequent intervals; habitually.
2. without cessation or intermission; unceasingly; always.
They always seemed to prefer the second definition- (he gives a much better right hook)

I felt like I just couldn't hang with the Drill Sergeant and his cronies.. I just thought I didn't have the spiritual guns to sit in a corner and pray all day every day non stop like I imagined they wanted me to do. So, I declared myself a "Bad Pray-er." I have never been a person that could deliver a goose bump giving, bible verse quoting, get the angels bending public prayer... I usually say "umm," and "like" a lot in any aloud prayer I pray. And then ,we got my old bully telling me that if I am not praying unceasingly and always .. then I am just not cutting it.. .. GREAT.
Well... one day I had a revelation about my prayer life.. The way that I pray is okay and I am actually pretty good at it!!!! (Take that Drill Sergeant!) I am not an inferior spiritual loser after all! The bible says to pray continually ,okay.. it was Webster's definition that really sounded harsh.. but continually.. like I continually brush my teeth, I continually drink water... I continually shop the Macy's one day sale.. etc.. If I can continually do all those things.. then I can and DO continually pray.. and I was already doing it without even thinking about it ( kind of like breathing). I have a relationship with God... and I talk to Him, like I would talk to any other friend of mine... If I see something that I think is cool.. In my mind, I say, "Hey, God, thanks for that, its awesome!" if I feel like I am going to loose my temper.. I say, "Oh no, God.. I am going to loose it.." If I cant find my glasses.. I say, "Please, God can you help me find them, I've looked everywhere..." anyway what I am trying to say is.. the way that I pray is sometimes a few sentences here and there many many many times a day... instead of many many many sentences all at one or two times a day.. and that's okay... there are other times when I pray.. that I have long drawn out conversations with God, or sometimes I even just write out a letter... Praying is talking to God... Talk to God like you would talk to your best friend... it doesn't have to be super structured, it doesn't have to be any certain way. What it has to be is yours ( and God's of course)
Often I have a hard time letting my spirituality be MINE. I compare myself too often with what other people do, and how they do it.. Like my husband Geoff, can deliver the most heart felt beautiful public prayers.. so I let myself believe I am a bad pray--er because I couldn't do half as well as he does.... but the truth is we are just different.. and contrary to what sooo many christian self help nonfiction books tell you... there really is no right way or wrong way or magic formula for prayer... It's just talking, communicating, and sharing your life with God... and how ever you do that.. whether its at a specific time of day... or at random moments through out the day.. its good to Him.. He just likes to hear from us... continually :)

My Santafesto

Originally posted on 12/12/2010

Its the Holiday Season! Decorations are up, cookies are baking, presents are being wrapped, kids are excited for Christmas to come… it really is the most wonderful time of the year.
In my family we have several Christmas time traditions. Every year we let the kids pick out a special ornament for the tree; every year we tour the neighborhoods with the best light displays, every year we learn about the season of advent, every year we spend Christmas Eve at an intimate service at our church… and every year the kids go see Santa Claus , sit on his lap and tell him want they want for Christmas. My kids believe in Santa and still manage to learn about God’s perfect Christmas gift to the world at the same time.
Recently, after having posted the annual picture of the kiddos and the man in the big red suit on facebook, I was asked how my husband and I “explain Santa to the kids without distracting from Jesus or lying to them ?” I quickly typed out a little rebuttle, backing up the jolly old elf. But the more I thought about it, the more passionate I became about the subject.. and the more things I thought up that I wished I had said. So dear blog friends, you get to hear what I like to call the “Santafesto.”

** On Balancing Jesus birth with Santa

First of all, You can downplay Santa a little by having him only give one special gift and fill the Christmas stockings. Any additional gifts can be from mom and dad or brother and sister.
Next, the years a child believes in Santa are short… 5 to 8 years is usually it. In most of those years its hard for a kid to think abstractly and to understand the concept of an omnipotent, omnipresent, God who is always there but we cannot see. However, thanks to the over commercialization of Christmas, Santa is seen everywhere.. on tv, at the mall, in books, on toys… ect. The Santa tradition includes some Godlike traits like omnipotence, and omnipresence. A child has an easier grasp learning these traits in regards to Santa who they see everywhere… and then as parents we can use a child’s understanding of Santa as a tool to help explain God.. and that God is even bigger and better than Santa.
We can also use Santa to show how we should be selfless, and giving to others at Christmastime as well as all through the year. Santa exemplifies how Christ would like us all to be; Joyful, warm hearted, generous, not self serving. These are all important traits that Christians should exude.
Finally for the Jesus/ Santa balance issue- If you are raising your kids to learn about Jesus all year long, then Santa is not going to over shadow that at Christmastime. My family goes to church every Sunday and regularly through out the week discuss, read about, and pray to Jesus. My kids know that the only reason there is Christmas is because Jesus was born, and Santa doesn’t take that away.

*** On telling your kids that Santa is real is lying:

I don’t know if this is trendy to shun Santa because people don’t want to “lie” to their children or what.. but I think this reason is absolutely ridiculous. Lets face it, “lying” to your kids is a part of parenting. Think about how many times you say something like , ” Clean your room, or I am going to through all your toys way, ” knowing that you have no intention what so ever to do that. Or have you ever said, “if you don’t take a bath, your dirty toes will turn green and fall off?” No? You don’t say things like that, its just me??? Okay.. Well then what if you and your spouse are being intimate and your child walks in and says, ” Daddy, what are you doing to mommy?” I am pretty sure you are not going to tell the truth.. you are going to lie and say, “Daddy’s just popping mommy’s back”. Or what if you take your kids to Disneyland and your little girl is so excited to meet Cinderella, would it be good parenting to tell her, “Don’t be so excited, Cinderella isn’t real, its just an ex-stripper wearing a costume.” Even if that is the TRUTH? I think that the truth is letting your child partake in one of the most magical traditions in our culture should not be thought of as lying, its more like allowing your child to be a child, and to enjoy the innocent wonder of childhood.

When I look back on my childhood and Christmas.. the years that Santa was real to me were the very best. There is nothing more exciting than running down stairs on Christmas morning and seeing that “Santa came!” If you remember those magical Santa years as fondly as I do, why would you want to with hold that magic from your own child?

The Santa decision is yours as a parent to make. But I think the big guy from the North Pole sometimes gets an unfair bad rap. Its not Santa’s fault Christmas has become a materialistic frenzy, lets blame the heavy marketing from CEO’s trying to boost their year end profits for that. Its not Santa’s fault if he outshines Jesus.. that would be our fault –if we are not emphasizing Jesus all year through, Santa is bound to outshine, but if we focus on Jesus all year there is no way that Santa can outshine Him.