Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Love beyond the heart's desire

Originally posted 8/26/2011

I had a rough childhood. I lived in a small dark house. Black-out shades prevented the sunshine’s warmth to enter and lighten the dark brown paneling. My mother was extremely depressed and sometimes suicidal, my brother was scary and violent and addicted to meth. My dad, although not in the home, verbally abused me and did not want me.
As a young girl, I had tremendous weight on my shoulders, and pain in my heart, I also had an unwillingness to accept that this life I was living would define me. I was a good kid. I was teacher’s pet all through school, I earned the best grades. And at the age of 14, God reached out to me, and let me know that HE absolutely loved me, that I was beautiful, and that despite my circumstances I could rest assured that He was taking care of me.
My teen years were easier for me as I clung to God and his love for me, but my situation at home was still dark. My brother was dealing drugs from his basement bedroom, and random sketchy men would enter and exit my house through all hours of the night. My mom was often working and not home, and although she must have been just and unhappy with the circumstances as I was she chose to ignore it and hope it would get better on its own. One day, when I was about 15, absolute chaos erupted, and I witnessed my brother in an violent meth-hazed rage throw my mom down all thirteen steep, wooden stairs that lead to our concrete basement floor. Terrified. I ran to the safest place in the house, the downstairs bathroom, it had a strong door and a good lock. I locked myself in, and pushed the large towel armoire against the door for extra security. As I hid in that room, I could hear my mom screaming in pain for help. I felt ashamed that I was too scared to run to her rescue, as I sit hugging my knees in the corner of the bathroom, waiting for my brother to leave.
As I write this, I do not want your pity. In the past, I have minimized the dark parts of where I came from, I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the people involved because I love them, and I didn’t want to play the part of a victim. And although in some aspects, I was absolutely victimized I was not a victim, I was a survivor. God made me to be a survivor, and God made me to have a hope for a future, because He had a plan for my future.
When I first started loving God, one bible verse, one PROMISE, I always found comfort in was Psalm 37:3-5 :
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
The desires of my heart were to be loved, to feel safe, to be a part of a functioning, loving, family, to have a home filled with light. Today I absolutely have those things. I have a husband that cherishes me, and two amazing, beautiful children who, although they fight like cats and dogs sometimes, love eachother and a house that is mine with the sun shining through its windows. God absolutely gave me the desires of my heart, I always trusted that He would.
If you are going through a dark time in your life, know that GOD LOVES YOU! Rest in His love and His promises, “Take delight in Him and he will give you the desires of your heart.” You can make it to the other side!

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