Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Fat Days

Originally written 9/13/2010

I am feeling FAT today. I look at myself in the mirror and see my stomach sticking out like freshly risen bakery goods.. and suck it back in… I turn to the side and stick it out, push it forward, and hold it lovingly like a woman with child, and say to the mirror, using a southern accent, ” Oh I’m in my 4th month, so glad to be in the second trimester.” Then I move on to criticize my thighs.. they have sagging skin, I pull the skin up.. they look good, I let the skin drop.. and then cringe… and think, “I wonder how someone gets on one of those TV plastic surgery shows.”

I am mad at myself for being this way… over the last year or so I have lost around 50 pounds.. I have gone from wearing a “sometimes 14… but sometimes 16..” to a “most of the time 6… and very random 4″ That is amazing! I really never thought I could wear anything smaller than a 10! Seriously 29 year old me makes 18 year old me look bad… and that’s pretty good. However, despite my accomplishments I still find myself battling with self bashing and being held hostage by the mirror.

Don’t get me wrong.. there are days that I feel HOT. On those days the mirror is my friend and instead of pretending to be the pregnant southerner… I am a young coed practicing for her test shoot for Playboy, or maybe a Top Model hopeful “smizing’ for Tyra Banks. I like those days…. haha.. so does my husband.

I wonder if the war between Hot days and Fat days will go on forever… sometimes I think it will. Its hard to have a healthy sense of self beauty in this world. Media attacks celebrities for being fat all the time… some who are perfectly normal.. like Jessica Simpson for instance and her infamous mom jeans picture. Jessica told Oprah in an interview that those jeans were a size 4, and the biggest size she ever wore was a 6! When girlfriends gather to chat.. the topic of loosing weight and needing to diet almost always pops up… whether the need is really there or not.

I do love my new body.. shopping is so much more fun now that I can pretty much wear anything I want, and I get to choose what I like and not just what fits and hides me. But I am TERRIFIED of gaining weight back… this may be the reason that now as much as ever I scrutinize every ripple on my skin in the mirror… judging whether or not it is bigger than it was yesterday. I AM A PRETTY MESSED UP WOMAN!

Its time for me to end the war with Fat Days. They come, hormones bring them on, emotions bring them on, too much drinking brings them on… WHATEVER. I am vowing that they will loose their power with me. No more stealing my confidence, no more self hate talk, no more feeling like a fat pregnant southern girl. I am so done with that! Don’t let fat days rule your life either… its time to feel HOT ladies… embrace your hottness!

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